Happy Halloween!

Just a quick note to tell everyone happy Halloween! Hope you have a fun-filled day of spookiness! And try to avoid the rain!

Oh and don't forget to change all you clocks back so you don't show up to work an hour early tomorrow!! Ha!

Conspiracy Theory

I have decided that it is absolutely necessary for me to blame various events in my life on the fact that it must be some sort of conspiracy behind their occurrence. I am especially convinced of this since when I just typed up this whole blog and went to publish, it magically had an "internal server error" - in other words, it was a conspiracy to delete my blog so that I did not expose the conspiracies running rampant in my world these days!!! Anyways, I will try to reconstruct my original blog to the best of my ability and this time save it before trying to republish so it is not again erased. The reason behind me pointing out these conspiracies are 1) weird things have been happening and I have to blame someone/something and 2) I really like saying "It's a conspiracy!" So here are a few that I are at the top of my mind for your enjoyment and reading pleasure.

1) It is definitely a conspiracy that I have yet to receive my absentee ballot to vote. Considering the election is all of four days away, I am guessing I will not be voting this year. Despite requesting my absentee ballot on two separate occasions, I have yet to receive it, and I even called yesterday to ask the lady about it, and she claims it was already mailed and verified the address and that was that. I guess it's my fault somehow that I didn't get my absentee ballot - whatever, it's a conspiracy! I've decided that if Mr. Bush does not win Florida, then I will obviously have to call up the attorneys for Bush that are already posted in Florida due to the 60,000 absentee ballots that have mysteriously disappeared from Brevard County as well and 2000's voting disaster, and make sure that I inform them of my situation to add to their list!

2) It is a conspiracy that everyone and their brother (well not really but still) that I know has either recently gotten a promotion at work or has gotten a cool new job. EXCEPT ME!!!! I mean come on, I've been trying for about a year now off and on, when is it my turn?! ;) Even my husband called me this morning saying that they had talked to him at work about a possible promotion and maybe even a raise by the beginning of the year - hello, he just started working full time there this summer and I've been here two years! Yikes!!!! Alrighty then, point being it's definitely a conspiracy and I'm waiting my turn to reap the benefits of being denied for so long! I better get an extra good job next time around!!!

3) It's a conspiracy that I got all my work done and filing done (our file clerk is on maternity leave and the duty has fallen to us to handle on top of the gobs of work we already have) and thought today might actually be decent. And then I was informed that because I was already done with my filing, that I had to be a "team player" and help the ONE person that can't keep up with their own filing. So let me get this straight - I am a good little worker bee and get all my stuff done and then I have to continue to do boring old filing for someone else just because they've been a big slacker and didn't get it done themselves?! I see how this works - can you say CONSPIRACY?!

4) My last conspiracy of the day is that it has rained all week long just because of the fact that I got a pretty shiny new car last Saturday. Oh and it's going to get cool this weekend so after waiting almost a year to get air conditioning in my car, I now only have had the pleasure of enjoying it for a week before it will be turned off for most of the winter months. Grrr!

I think that is all the conspiracies I have recently realized. I'm sure there will be more soon and feel free to add some more of your own! :)

When Doing the Right Thing Feels Wrong

Up to this point, most of my blogs have been more just kind of happy-go-lucky stories about things I've done or explanations of various comings and goings in my life. Today will be a little different story as I head into a more philosophical topic (I get like that sometimes!).

Like most people, I think of myself as a caring, compassionate, intelligent human being. I do not by any means claim to be perfect or feel that there is nothing in my life that could be fixed. Everyone has something in their life that can be fixed, and I think it is healthy to strive for something more and better as long as you keep this in a healthy perspective. However, it has come to my attention that some days you just have to step back from your normal life and the person you are normally and really analyze a situation for what is. You can't always try to be this amazing person that forgives the world and that ends up getting walked on in the process.

I have a tendency to be really forgiving and try to really see the other person's perspective even to the point where I am being taken advantage of in the process. But this time, I just don't know if I can do that any more. I'm not planning to make a complete change in personality in every aspect of my life, but there is a particular situation that I'm going through in which I really feel that it's best for me to just walk away.

Walking away is so hard. It makes me feel guilty, angry, upset, sad, every emotion balled into one. But sometimes after 20 years of various drama and craziness from one person, you just have to sit back and say enough, I'm done. And I know it's the right thing to do even though it feels wrong. I know that I will be a better person for it and live a better life without the stress of this person and their actions/behaviors in my life. I have done it in the past and never thought twice about this person. My life went on perfectly fine and probably better than it was when they were in my life. And I didn't even think about them the whole time.

Will I look back one day and regret what I did? No, I will remember the good times I had with this person, though those were YEARS ago now, long enough that some days it's hard to even remember them with all the bad memories clouding those good memories. And I will try to forget the pain and hurt that this person has caused in the past 10 years or so of my life and focus on the positive. But regret I will not because I can't continue just pretending that life is okay with this person in it. Because it's not. It's not healthy for me, it's not healthy for this person. We are at a crossroads, and as sad as it may be, I think it's best for me to take the high road and just walk away. I know it will be the best choice for me and my life and my future with my husband and other friends and family. I hope it will be the best thing for this other person and that they will be able to learn from this and really appreciate true friendship and compassion and hopefully will work to change their destructive behavior, thoughts, and actions so that this never happens to them again. They will look back and regret - I will not.

I have done everything I possibly could and given everything I possibly have of myself and to have it all slapped back in my face like nothing until it's convenient again and I'm "needed" to fix the problems. I have nothing more to give. I can do no more.

Those words aren't easy to write. They are not even easy to think because I think of myself as a much better person than that. And it makes me bitter that I am even having to question my own self and ability to interact with others. I can forgive them for all that they have done to wrong me, but that doesn't mean I want them in my life. And this time, I know that this is the right thing, that this is what I have to do, no matter how wrong it feels.

My husband told me that I should read the lyrics of this Tim McGraw song we saw on the Radio Music Awards the other night. They are really good, and like I said earlier, I can forgive but I want to be able to live my life to the fullest and not look back and be sad that I let another person ruin my life and brought chaos, anger, and hatred into my life.

"He said I was in my early forties with a lot of life before me when a moment came that stopped me on a dime and I spent most of the next days looking at the x-rays Talking bout the options and talking bout sweet timeI asked him when it sank in that this might really be the real end how's it hit you when you get that kinda news man what'd you do and he said I went sky diving I went Rocky Mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying and he said someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying. He said I was finally the husband that most the time I wasn't and I became a friend a friend would like to have and all the sudden going fishin wasn't such an imposition and I went three times that year I lost my dad well I finally read the good book and I took a good long hard look at what I'd do if I could do it all again and then I went sky diving I went Rocky Mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying and he said someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying. Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about what'd you do with it what did you do with it what did I do with it what would I do with it? Sky diving I went Rocky Mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I watched an eagle as it was flying and he said someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying. To live like you were dying To live like you were dying To live like you were dying To live like you were dying"

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

So last night, Austin & I decided that it was absolutely necessary to watch the Charlie Brown Halloween special and simultaneously carve our pumpkins! And I have to say it was super fun. I had downloaded and printed some pumpkin patterns from the Internet yesterday, and after much thought, we decided that he would do a dog and I would do a cat in honor of our cat and dog, Mikah and Maddie respectively. :) There's something about carving a pumpkin that is therapeutic. Get to scrape out the insides and then design. And then putting your hands through all the goopy stuff is the best part because it's so gross that it's cool! I of course saved the seeds and plan on cooking them hopefully tonight! The pumpkins turned out really cool, and we took pictures to share but I haven't quite yet figured that part of posting on here out yet. Oh well! Just thought I would share my story of Halloween fun - not planning on doing much for the actual holiday but the pumpkin carving thing is fun at least!

Flying Purple Donkeys

Since Sara brought up the flying purple donkeys in her last comment to me, I figured now is a good time to explain this interesting phenomenon. So here goes -

At my job, our cases are broken down into five dockets, each of us handling one docket. Now each person's docket can have anywhere from one firm that is really large to a long list of small firms to deal with. These dockets are completely our responsibility - we handle every one of the cases in our docket and are in charge of the deadlines, discovery, letters, anything associated with the case. As a result, we are also ultimately blameable in the eyes of our boss for anything that goes wrong with our docket and cases, be it a missed deadline, a missing document, whatever.

So when Sara first started, I was having a hard time understanding why our file clerk felt the need to throw away documents that we had put to filing. Now granted a LOT of what we get on a daily basis is trash for the mere fact that service lists are wrong and we are no longer in a case or it's just basically things that we really don't care about or need to know from other firms. We all do our own purging of our mail bins as necessary, but when I put something to filing, it's because I want to have it in the file. There are no strict rules about what we should/should not throw away, so everyone kind of has their own system and that's the way it should be depending on their comfort level with what they need/don't need and the case itself. For some reason, the file clerk decided that she would take it upon herself to determine what was/wasn't important in my filing as well as my officemate, Kelly's, filing and we were discussing how frustrating this process was because we were the ones (not her) that were ultimately responsible if something was missing.

So I said to Sara and Kelly that I should be able to put flying purple donkeys in my files if I wanted them there because it was no one else's business than my own. Of course, after I said this, all three of us starting laughing at the absurdity of flying purple donkeys and yet we understood the point I was trying to make. During lunch, I left the office to run an errand for the wedding, and Sara went to the internet and printed a picture of a donkey with wings and then proceeded to search the entire office in search of a purple marker or highlighter so she could color it in. I found this fun piece of paper on my keyboard and have had it stapled to my cubicle wall ever since. :-) So that's the story of the flying purple donkey!!!!!

A funny thing happened this morning.....

I have decided that I must mark this momentous day! I actually received an e-mail from my boss saying that he was wrong and he was sorry! Now for any of you that have either met my boss or have just heard me talk about the inept people skills this man has, this is truly a momentous occasion. Not only did he admit he was wrong, something that he never does, he also actually apologized. I've been waiting for this day for almost two years. I think I will print the e-mail (yes he even did it in writing!) and enlarge it and hang it on my cubicle wall to look at frequently when the day isn't going so well. I know it seems like a small little thing, but in my work world, it's a huge step. Now I'm sure in half an hour when he finally strolls into work, it will be a completely different story and he'll be hammering me for stuff as usual. But for now, I can just bask in the glow of my computer showing me those precious words and hope that is enough to help me survive at least until the new year! :)

Loving that new car smell!

Well the day has finally come! My new 2005 Mustang has finally arrived. After much anticipation, we got the phone call on Saturday late morning and headed out to Weatherford to pick it up! It's wonderful! It drives so smooth and has such a great look - retro & modern combined! I couldn't be happier - now just working on the logistics of the money down and car payments and all that non-fun part. But driving it around makes it all worth it. :)

In other news, I have now contracted an annoying cold. So I've got the stuff nose, headache, general malaise, and just not wanting to be at work! I forced myself to get out of bed this morning, into the shower, and somehow made it in to work in one piece (must be the new car guiding me safely here!). I debated going home at noon today and making up the extra four hours this weekend, but I think I'm going to try to stick it out as long as I can so I have less to make up later if I end up going home. Maybe I can try catching a nap in my chair!

I wish I had something more exciting to say but in reality, I'm in a daze of sickness and sleepiness! Hopefully tomorrow I will be more functional to write something worthwhile!

Got to try everything at least once!

With the encouragement of my dear friend Jessica, I have decided to embark on this adventure which they call "blogging." I honestly have heard bits and pieces about it, but it was not until I was given one of my co-workers web addresses earlier this year that I really understood the concept. I have read his postings once in awhile keeping up with him as he has moved on to another job. And then Jes told me about hers a little over a month ago when we ate dinner. She explained what it was, how it worked, and told me how she was kind of scared too. I was still a bit skeptical! Now that my schedule is no longer consumed with wedding details and I have a tendency to be bored at work, she has convinced me that no time is better than to try this out. So I figure I will give it a try - see how it goes and if I'm brave enough, I might actually send it to my friends other than her and my husband! ;)

So I'm not really sure what all will be posted up here but I'm sure it will be ranging in everything from what is annoying me at work that day to my longing for a dream job that I don't know if I will ever get to my adventures in newly married life (which I have to say is a lot of fun so far!). So sit back and enjoy the ride right along with me!