When Doing the Right Thing Feels Wrong

Up to this point, most of my blogs have been more just kind of happy-go-lucky stories about things I've done or explanations of various comings and goings in my life. Today will be a little different story as I head into a more philosophical topic (I get like that sometimes!).

Like most people, I think of myself as a caring, compassionate, intelligent human being. I do not by any means claim to be perfect or feel that there is nothing in my life that could be fixed. Everyone has something in their life that can be fixed, and I think it is healthy to strive for something more and better as long as you keep this in a healthy perspective. However, it has come to my attention that some days you just have to step back from your normal life and the person you are normally and really analyze a situation for what is. You can't always try to be this amazing person that forgives the world and that ends up getting walked on in the process.

I have a tendency to be really forgiving and try to really see the other person's perspective even to the point where I am being taken advantage of in the process. But this time, I just don't know if I can do that any more. I'm not planning to make a complete change in personality in every aspect of my life, but there is a particular situation that I'm going through in which I really feel that it's best for me to just walk away.

Walking away is so hard. It makes me feel guilty, angry, upset, sad, every emotion balled into one. But sometimes after 20 years of various drama and craziness from one person, you just have to sit back and say enough, I'm done. And I know it's the right thing to do even though it feels wrong. I know that I will be a better person for it and live a better life without the stress of this person and their actions/behaviors in my life. I have done it in the past and never thought twice about this person. My life went on perfectly fine and probably better than it was when they were in my life. And I didn't even think about them the whole time.

Will I look back one day and regret what I did? No, I will remember the good times I had with this person, though those were YEARS ago now, long enough that some days it's hard to even remember them with all the bad memories clouding those good memories. And I will try to forget the pain and hurt that this person has caused in the past 10 years or so of my life and focus on the positive. But regret I will not because I can't continue just pretending that life is okay with this person in it. Because it's not. It's not healthy for me, it's not healthy for this person. We are at a crossroads, and as sad as it may be, I think it's best for me to take the high road and just walk away. I know it will be the best choice for me and my life and my future with my husband and other friends and family. I hope it will be the best thing for this other person and that they will be able to learn from this and really appreciate true friendship and compassion and hopefully will work to change their destructive behavior, thoughts, and actions so that this never happens to them again. They will look back and regret - I will not.

I have done everything I possibly could and given everything I possibly have of myself and to have it all slapped back in my face like nothing until it's convenient again and I'm "needed" to fix the problems. I have nothing more to give. I can do no more.

Those words aren't easy to write. They are not even easy to think because I think of myself as a much better person than that. And it makes me bitter that I am even having to question my own self and ability to interact with others. I can forgive them for all that they have done to wrong me, but that doesn't mean I want them in my life. And this time, I know that this is the right thing, that this is what I have to do, no matter how wrong it feels.

My husband told me that I should read the lyrics of this Tim McGraw song we saw on the Radio Music Awards the other night. They are really good, and like I said earlier, I can forgive but I want to be able to live my life to the fullest and not look back and be sad that I let another person ruin my life and brought chaos, anger, and hatred into my life.

"He said I was in my early forties with a lot of life before me when a moment came that stopped me on a dime and I spent most of the next days looking at the x-rays Talking bout the options and talking bout sweet timeI asked him when it sank in that this might really be the real end how's it hit you when you get that kinda news man what'd you do and he said I went sky diving I went Rocky Mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying and he said someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying. He said I was finally the husband that most the time I wasn't and I became a friend a friend would like to have and all the sudden going fishin wasn't such an imposition and I went three times that year I lost my dad well I finally read the good book and I took a good long hard look at what I'd do if I could do it all again and then I went sky diving I went Rocky Mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying and he said someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying. Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about what'd you do with it what did you do with it what did I do with it what would I do with it? Sky diving I went Rocky Mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I watched an eagle as it was flying and he said someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying. To live like you were dying To live like you were dying To live like you were dying To live like you were dying"