Who Am I?

For awhile now and especially the past few weeks, I've been on a quest to find my purpose in life, trying to figure out what truly makes me who I am and what makes me happy and fulfilled. More in the aspect of a career than on a personal level because I'm pretty happy with my personal life - I love my husband dearly and we have a great relationship, I get along (most of the time at least!) with my family, and have some pretty good friends (although I wish I did get to see them more). And in trying to figure out my purpose, I have been doing A LOT of thinking lately. So I guess that this blog is kind of a culmination of some of that thinking that I will share with the rest of you that want to read!

Who exactly am I and what makes me me? There are certain things I know I am without a doubt. I am a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin, a sister-in-law, a niece, etc. but those things do not define me. There are other things I have interest in that help to define me: reading, dancing, writing, etc., but they aren't really who I am either. And there are the things that I dislike too that make up part of who I am: temper, my job title, etc. but they aren't the definition of me either.

For some reason I was thinking about this yesterday while driving home from work and started to realize that no matter what, I am LUCKY. I am healthy, I make a decent income as does my husband so that we can live a good life. I have a family that loves & cares about me. These are all things that many people in this word would just love to have and never will. What if one day I was in some sort of accident. I started thinking of how three different things would affect me.

What if in that accident, my face was marred & scarred and I didn't look the same. I'm not a knockout by any means now but I don't consider myself to be difficult to look at. What if my looks were gone in an instant - how would this affect me? Quite honestly, I would hope this would be the least difficult one to deal with. I am already married & loved so I wouldn't have to worry if someone could ever love me although I would probably be ashamed. It would be difficult when trying to talk to people though because they would either be afraid to look or be super curious and stare or just be mean and make fun of me.

Or what if one day I lost all feeling in my legs and could never walk again. How would that affect me? My job performance shouldn't be affected because I sit at a desk most of the day. But can you imagine how hard it would be to get around in a wheelchair, to do the things we do each day and take for granted? To have people look at you and treat you like you're helpless and feel pity for you or on the other extreme make fun of you and be unkind. It's a hard thing to think about.

Or, and I think that this one could possibly be the worst, what if one day I lost my intelligence, my brain power, my ability to think clearly? I think that is probably one of the biggest assets I have going for myself and what if one day it was all gone. I couldn't do simple math to figure out how much to tip the waitress, I couldn't remember things or couldn't remember how to do things like tie my shoe or eat with a knife & fork. I wouldn't have the skills that I possess that help me in my job or my homelife. That by far is the hardest I think and makes me want to cry just thinking about the possibility.

Okay so now that I've completely depressed you - what I'm trying to get across here is that in this long journey I'm going through trying to achieve personal happiness and find my purpose, I really need to just take a step back and appreciate all the things that I ALREADY HAVE. I need to appreciate the fact that I know the alphabet and can read & write these words to you today. I need to be thankful that I can walk to get into my car and drive home at the end of the day. I need to be thankful that I can put on clothes & makeup and whatever else that makes me feel good about myself and just go about life without being stared at or ignored. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for that at this point, I am going to try to concentrate on just that. And hopefully my direction will come to me - and if not, maybe my purpose is just to be happy with the life I already have. :)